Sunday, September 07, 2014

I'm not sure if this is the right way to move on.

So I went out with him today.


Whoa please hold your horses, people! It was an "goodbye" moving outing, which is unbeknownst to him. I don't think he cares anyways.

But for me, I just wanted to know my stand. I really wanted to know what is the reason of this pain which is taking way too long to heal. This grudge that I have inside me which is consuming me slowly.

When he dropped me off, I gathered the courage to say out what I planned to say. I wanted to say:

Goodbye. I am not sure we will see each other/hang out like this anymore. So take care of yourself.

And I had an answer if he was to ask whether I would be at his wedding:

No, I will not be at your wedding. 

If he asks why, this would be my answer:

Because I do not want to endorse a marriage whereby one of the units cheated on the other.



Instead I hard a hard time looking into his eyes and when I hold out my hand to shake his and said "Goodbye", he cheerfully said goodbye. I told him to take care of himself.. twice. And when he said "see you again" I fumbled at trying to say "No it's not gonna happen again" and ended up saying "we'll see how"

So.. I'm  not sure how now. But I don't intend to be good friends with him. I didn't want our relationship as friends to end actually. I wouldn't feel as awkward as I am with him if we really started out honestly where he didn't hide his status. But it's very hard to not feel.. heartbroken when he acted as if nothing happened and he was quite insensitive towards my feelings.

Like letting me know what his hantaran is. And telling me that he doesn't know where to go for his honeymoon.

I tried biting my tongue - I didn't want to spoil the day. I promised myself that it had to be a good day so I could bid my farewell properly. But I did snap and said, "I don't know, none of my business"

Sometimes I feel angry at God for allowing him to proceed with the girl happily. I mean, Dude, he freaking cheated on her AND lied about his status when he was dating me. And yet, he's getting married to her.

What about me?


But I know this happen for a reason. God gifted him, allowing him to continue with his relationship for a reason. While God gifted me this.. whatever-you-call it for a reason.

So if this is a way to move on.. I hope it will be a smooth on. I hope I will be shielded away by things that will make me sad, but I will refrain from doing/thinking/wishing bad things toward them. I must stress to myself, she did nothing wrong to me. It was just him. So I do not want to hurt her. If I hurt her then she'll have 2 people hurting her - it brings me no benefit.

I hope that I will find my happiness too.

For now, this song will keep me company:

아직 아른거려요 눈을 감으면 점점
You still flicker before me when I close my eyes
무뎌 지겠죠 시간이 지나면
But I’ll feel less and less as time goes by
후회하지는 않아요 좀 아쉬울 뿐이죠
I don’t regret it, I’m just a bit sad
보고 싶지는 않아요 그대가 그리울 뿐이죠
I don’t miss you, I just long for you

Note: Lyrics and translation is credited to colorcodedlyrics.

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