I'm not sure if this is the right way to move on.

So I went out with him today.

...

Whoa please hold your horses, people! It was an "goodbye" moving outing, which is unbeknownst to him. I don't think he cares anyways.

But for me, I just wanted to know my stand. I really wanted to know what is the reason of this pain which is taking way too long to heal. This grudge that I have inside me which is consuming me slowly.

When he dropped me off, I gathered the courage to say out what I planned to say. I wanted to say:

Goodbye. I am not sure we will see each other/hang out like this anymore. So take care of yourself.

And I had an answer if he was to ask whether I would be at his wedding:

No, I will not be at your wedding. 

If he asks why, this would be my answer:

Because I do not want to endorse a marriage whereby one of the units cheated on the other.

BUT OF COURSE THE CONVERSATION DIDN'T GO THAT WAY.

*facepalm*

Instead I hard a hard time looking into his eyes and when I hold out my hand to shake his and said "Goodbye", he cheerfully said goodbye. I told him to take care of himself.. twice. And when he said "see you again" I fumbled at trying to say "No it's not gonna happen again" and ended up saying "we'll see how"

So.. I'm  not sure how now. But I don't intend to be good friends with him. I didn't want our relationship as friends to end actually. I wouldn't feel as awkward as I am with him if we really started out honestly where he didn't hide his status. But it's very hard to not feel.. heartbroken when he acted as if nothing happened and he was quite insensitive towards my feelings.

Like letting me know what his hantaran is. And telling me that he doesn't know where to go for his honeymoon.

I tried biting my tongue - I didn't want to spoil the day. I promised myself that it had to be a good day so I could bid my farewell properly. But I did snap and said, "I don't know, none of my business"

Sometimes I feel angry at God for allowing him to proceed with the girl happily. I mean, Dude, he freaking cheated on her AND lied about his status when he was dating me. And yet, he's getting married to her.

What about me?

Wrecked.

But I know this happen for a reason. God gifted him, allowing him to continue with his relationship for a reason. While God gifted me this.. whatever-you-call it for a reason.

So if this is a way to move on.. I hope it will be a smooth on. I hope I will be shielded away by things that will make me sad, but I will refrain from doing/thinking/wishing bad things toward them. I must stress to myself, she did nothing wrong to me. It was just him. So I do not want to hurt her. If I hurt her then she'll have 2 people hurting her - it brings me no benefit.

I hope that I will find my happiness too.

For now, this song will keep me company:

아직 아른거려요 눈을 감으면 점점 You still flicker before me when I close my eyes 무뎌 지겠죠 시간이 지나면 But I’ll feel less and less as time goes by 후회하지는 않아요 좀 아쉬울 뿐이죠 I don’t regret it, I’m just a bit sad 보고 싶지는 않아요 그대가 그리울 뿐이죠 I don’t miss you, I just long for you

Note: Lyrics and translation is credited to colorcodedlyrics.

(Try) Staying positive

You know that feeling of not knowing where to go, not knowing what to do.. like your life is stuck. Not blocked, just stuck.

What's that word again?

LOST.

Oh yeah, the feeling of lost. Or maybe the lost of feelings?

The endless battle had drained me off my usual cheerful self. I admit, my default emotion/feeling is set on sad (sadness? whatever), especially since we're hitting the month 9 mark of what I would call the worse tragedy ever to hit my family (and also since I found out the guy I was dating was actually cheating on his girlfriend, with me, without me knowing). Which I have yet found the patience to write. Because it's complicating, and damn painful, damn stressful to write.

I tried keeping myself positive, especially when I have friends around me who are very supportive, when I listen to my favourite songs, when I eat great food, when I reached some sort of satisfaction (quite rare) completing tasks at work, when the food that I cooked turned out well and blablabla...

But in the end of the day, somehow I'd end up going to bed, disheartened with my life. I cry myself to sleep almost every night thinking of how unfair life is right now to me. My heart breaks not knowing what's in store in the future.

Will my family pull through?

Will I ever have someone loving me?

Will I ever be happy at a job?

Will I ever go to Japan again?

Will I ever a life where I be content with whatever I have?

It hurts.

I feel like giving everything up.

Since I have nothing to look forward to in life, why should I stay, right?

Might as well just end it..

No matter how much I drown myself with positiveness.. I still feel lost.

Le vent se lève! . . . Il faut tenter de vivre!
- Le Cimetière marin, Paul Valéry (and also appeared in Hayao Miyazaki's The Wind Rises)

I know I have to try harder.

But sometimes.. I just don't know how to anymore.