(Try) Staying positive

You know that feeling of not knowing where to go, not knowing what to do.. like your life is stuck. Not blocked, just stuck.

What's that word again?

LOST.

Oh yeah, the feeling of lost. Or maybe the lost of feelings?

The endless battle had drained me off my usual cheerful self. I admit, my default emotion/feeling is set on sad (sadness? whatever), especially since we're hitting the month 9 mark of what I would call the worse tragedy ever to hit my family (and also since I found out the guy I was dating was actually cheating on his girlfriend, with me, without me knowing). Which I have yet found the patience to write. Because it's complicating, and damn painful, damn stressful to write.

I tried keeping myself positive, especially when I have friends around me who are very supportive, when I listen to my favourite songs, when I eat great food, when I reached some sort of satisfaction (quite rare) completing tasks at work, when the food that I cooked turned out well and blablabla...

But in the end of the day, somehow I'd end up going to bed, disheartened with my life. I cry myself to sleep almost every night thinking of how unfair life is right now to me. My heart breaks not knowing what's in store in the future.

Will my family pull through?

Will I ever have someone loving me?

Will I ever be happy at a job?

Will I ever go to Japan again?

Will I ever a life where I be content with whatever I have?

It hurts.

I feel like giving everything up.

Since I have nothing to look forward to in life, why should I stay, right?

Might as well just end it..

No matter how much I drown myself with positiveness.. I still feel lost.

Le vent se lève! . . . Il faut tenter de vivre!
- Le Cimetière marin, Paul Valéry (and also appeared in Hayao Miyazaki's The Wind Rises)

I know I have to try harder.

But sometimes.. I just don't know how to anymore.