Bidding You Goodbye

So yesterday, or rather today, everyone said goodbye to the year 2011.

My last day of 2011 was spent praying at my great-grandmother's death-niversary, and driving 8 hours back to KL.

How do I summarize my 2011?

Well, I managed to go to Seoul, but other than that, I can't recall much things because my whole 2011 was overshadowed by my paternal grandfather's passing on the Winter Solstice celebration day.

His death was really unexpected because, he was not bed-ridden or awfully sick or anything though he has been weak since I saw him on Chinese New Year. But it was really, like a slap on my face, you know?

I was driving back home from work, got a call from my aunts in Singapore, bad connection, and heard "ah kong" "unconscious" "operation" and when I called my father he said,"yeah, he's in a coma"

wtf luckily i didn't bang any cars on LDP.

COMA? wait, i only hear that in dramas.

My grandfather? Cannot be.

When I reached home my mom was in tears.

I found out my grandfather will never survive and that my father and his siblings chose to let him pass away peacefully instead of having an operation for the blood clot on his brain.

I mean, HOW THE HELL DO YOU MAKE THAT KIND OF DECISION?

Especially when it's your own father.

I wonder what when through my father's and my uncles' and my aunts' heads when they decided on that.

I don't think I would be able to say, "It's okay, let him die"

fml

He passed away that night itself. We went back to my hometown early in the morning and reached at noon. Relatives were already visiting and I went into the house and saw his coffin, and his body was on the floor, covered in a baby blue blanket.

"Come see your ah kong, he's smiling sweetly"

I cried, my aunts came to touch me. My parents revealed his feet and asked me to look (I don't know why) and then they unveiled his face.

I couldn't stop crying. I just stared and stared in disbelief.

"wtf this is not happening"

I didn't even go close to his body.

We changed into white tees and proceeded with the rites. My dad as the eldest had to do some stuff, and we participated in bathing the body.

That was when I realised I've never touched him my whole life. I don't remember hugging him or kissing him. Maybe I did when I was younger, but I don't remember. I guess wiping his body with a wet cloth was the closest thing I've ever done.

He was buried on the 5th day of his death at a family burial ground, between his siblings.

the flowers that we put on his grave
Honestly, I never knew him well. I never bothered too. I wanted to say that it's because of the problems he had with my father is the reason why we were never close, but why should I blame it on that?

I'm already grown up, I should have made more effort in getting to know him. Like when he asked for me when he got sick once.. I ended up not calling him anyway.

What sort of a grandchild am I?

True, he and grandma divorced and both remarried, he got another 5 children with his new wife (who treated me as her own grandchild, and same goes to my aunts and my uncles, who treated me as their niece even though we're only half related), true I hardly see him, true he may favour my cousins better..

But he is still my ah kong.

Now he's gone, and I will never get to see him during Chinese New Year anymore. He will never get to see me married, and I will never be able to show him my graduation photos which I developed for him and grandma to keep at their place.

He's not going to see youngest uncle get married, he's not going to see his 13th grandchild being brought into the world! If only he waited one or two more months!

Despite all that, I hope he had a great life before going away. There were definitely ups and downs but his children gave him a good life and all of them are doing well.

I hope he didn't suffer badly while he was unconscious.

Ah kong, I am sorry I wasn't a good granddaughter to you. I hope the others' filialness managed to make up for it, but still I wish I had treated you better and given you love that you are supposed to receive from one of the eldest grandchildren.

I am sorry, really really sorry.

the orchid that I wore after ending my mourn, I wish I could mourn for him until his 100th day

:'(