When they said that this semester brings the worst out of everyone i didn't believe it that much. I agree that everyone doesn't seem as happy as the first... but people change.. so i don't blame them.
I had my FIRST major breakdown in my whole entire life (i think) on this date. I cried in front of my friends.. as in really, really cried out loud.
It all started when we went to the KUSTEM's (eh... UMT la now) CF house in Taman Sejati for a 'dating and relationship' talk. It all started well.. with us playing games.. and having fun.
But the moment they start singing the worship/praise songs, my heart was gutted by the lyrics. I had this weird guily, sad feeling... and tears started pouring out. I couldn't control them at all. I felt that i never knew God as much as i said i believe in him. And after that i started thinking about HOME. My mom, dad, brother and sisters. And i cried, cried, cried.
I was lost.
After the whole singing and talking and eating was done, an incident happened involving my life as a leader for the Taekwondo Club. The first time i was scolded by my instructor.. well.. he didn't scold.. but that one question he asked me almost killed me.
What are you doing?
That got me like nobody's business. I walked out from the compund of the CF house and cried out loud for the first time.. and i practically freaked everyone out. I felt so weak, useless... etc.. and i cried about wanting to leave KUSTEM/UMT and wanting to call home and wanting to see my mom.
And that was when my brother called.
Unable to control myself, and i didn't want to talk to my mom in that awful condition, i gathered all my strength to tell my brother that i can't talk to my mom because i was busy.
02-02-2007 is certainly the worst day of my life so far.
But the day after didn't get any better.
I got my seniors into trouble. Especially Abang Yus, my guidance as a leader, who had been leading the club for 5 years. When he was scolded badly, and how he was given comment that he failed as a senior.. i cried again.. in front of everyone..
It was so wrong.
In order to defend himself, he went all out to say that we are capable of doing things on our own, without needing the seniors help all the time.. and he can't be watching us all the time..
And he was right.
I can't be depending on him all the time. Although i'm a newbie, but he was right. He need his break. It his last semester. He can't be carrying this heavy burden anymore. But he got the worst scolding.
And it was all MY fault. And it is still mine.
I owe a lot to the seniors, they did not deserve the scolding. But how they said that it was also their fault.. hurted me even more. And they went all out to comfort me and make happy.. i felt like my world had blown apart..
I thank God for the friends i have here.. my girls Yng Jiun, Shih-Quan, Yen Lin, Mun Yee, Bee Kee, San San, Rainie and Heng...
and to my seniors, Abang Yus, Sathia Ane, Kak Radhiah, Kak Adik, Kak Mimi, Kak Shikin.. i am so so so sorry for what had happened. and i won't be able to forgive myself.. for now..
Thank you for all the support. And i hope, i will be able to walk on.. and move on with my life.. leaving all this behind.. and not giving up so easily..
I want to stop being weak, if it's possible.