Fighting Myself.

I recently turned 31 (cue: Baskin Robbins 31!) and I had a small celebration with my sister that night.

I actually felt excited turning 31 because I wanted it to be a turning point for a better me.

However, the next day I had a sucky day at work (re: I got so annoyed at people and I cried). It was embarrassing how I had no control over my emotions, exposing the weaker side of me, which I always try very hide to conceal.

It made me rethink about a lot of things.

I realised that I'm quite a loser.

Ok that's a bit harsh on myself, but yeah.

I'm afraid of a lot of things.

I don't enjoy my work, but I'm still doing it because I have gotten myself into a mess with my finances that I wonder if I will ever be freed from it.

I would love to leave my job, but I have no idea what I'm good at. And I will surely disappoint my parents if I do.

I remember once my Japanese language teacher asked whether I was interested in working Japan because she was amazed by how fast my learning ability was. So I asked her what kind of work that I could consider.

And she said, "maybe as a waitress?"

At first my head just went "huh? just a waitress?" but then now that I think about it, I wouldn't mind even if it means that I can work in my favourite country.

I don't need to live in a big house, a 1LDK would do.. I don't need to be paid handsomely, I just want to live a simple life.

I don't dream to have a fantastic career, I just want to live a quiet life. I want to live my life differently.

Is this what adulting does to you?

I feel that the less I desire things, the peaceful I feel.

But sometimes, I have trouble fighting my desires.

I want this. I want that. I see people owning this and that, I get jealous. I see people going out for lavish meals, I'd go "oh how I wish I could".

I want to fall in love, but I'm afraid of rejection. I often tell myself that I shouldn't be embarrassed about approaching a guy first, but the fear of rejection often holds me back. Currently I am interested in someone, and I am taking slow steps (I'm talking snail pace here!) trying to find ways of how I can get close to him.

Sometimes I'd be like "oh to hell with it!" and think of just contacting him, plus he's not in the same country so if I get turned down it wouldn't matter.. but still.. it sucks to be turned down right?

So that's why I keep ignoring the idea of being with someone.

You see annot, I want but I don't want.

I feel like I can never make decisions on my own.

And that's depressing.

I'm trying my best to better myself, and hope for things to turn out well.

I will keep on fighting this demon.

Sorry if my thoughts are all jumbled up. 😓