Not My Time Yet.

I've been contemplating on whether I should be writing on this, but after sharing my feelings with my friends I realized that letting out is one of the best outlets to get over something.

Besides crying.

You can't imagine how many times I've been logging in and out of blogger just to complete this. I'm just scared I'd missed out on details, or maybe end up writing all  the wrong things.

You see, I'm never the kind to write on relationships in my blog - it's not like I have that many to begin with - but I always refrain from doing so because I had fear of offending all parties involved.

This time I thought, what the hell.

From my previous post you can guess I'm going through a heartbreak.

I've never gone through this before - my last relationship ended peacefully so I didn't have any sort of counter-measure whatsoever. And therefore it hurts a lot, because it's a first.

And in addition to that, I am also going through a family issue, so it's like a double-blow to myself.

I was so careful when I got close to him, because another friend had cautioned. But as our relationship progressed, I thought that he was into me as much as I was into him.

We had so much fun together. Japanese songs, Japanese food, movies.. I got him to like some of the Japanese songs I like!

I was happy. It's been awhile since I was that happy. I felt loved, and I was happy to be able to love.

Of course trouble came once in awhile. But I held on to that happiness, and told myself, if I honestly loved him, then I would reap the rewards.

Unfortunately, I was wrong.

It was one-sided. All the way.

And to makes matter worse, I was a third party.

The other woman.

I was someone that I told myself I will never ever be, and always hated.

It was like a slap to my face, a stab to my heart.. and back.

What did I do wrong to deserve this?

I love him honestly. I love him with all my heart.

It was like whatever fun times we had were just.. some game.

I felt like a toy.

Used.

Or a piece of a candy wrapper.

Candy eaten, wrapper thrown.

I've never been hurt this much before.

I felt like a fool.

Sometimes I would tell myself, "Hey, at least I loved him honestly"

But the pain does not go away that easily.

The betrayal.. yes, I felt betrayed. I trusted him as someone I love, as my best friend.

Everything was about him.

I wake up everyday thinking about him, every little moments in my life, I found it worth sharing with him. Every little thing that he did, I adored. His laughter, the way he gets excited over things, the way he requested things from me, our little getaways, our little adventures, the way he held my hand while he drove.. And everytime he got upset, it worried me. I would do my best to pacify it.

I truly felt I was in love.

But it was a lie.

All the while.

How blinded I was.

He wants to be friends, but how can I be friends with someone who betrayed me?

Why must I put myself into that sort of torture?

People labeled me as a very nice person, someone who they enjoy being friends with, someone who's tough and strong..

Does this kind of thing happen to nice people?

Just because I'm tough, just because I'm strong.. people can do shit to me and I'll be ok?

What nonsense is that?

Who gives the liberty to someone to hurt anyone they want?

The stupidest thing is, as much as I want to stay away from him, I'm still drawn to him. He doesn't deserve the friendship, I believe. But why I can't stop myself from giving in?

I wish I could just hate him. But I couldn't. Everytime I have this vision of him getting hurt the way I did, or somehow his girlfriend finding out the truth and leaving him or whateverlah.. but the nice side of me takes over and says, "Now, that's not nice."

Hello, he broke my heart. He betrayed me. He lied to me. And to her.

But why, can't I forget him?

I wish him happiness, but how can he be happy while I'm suffering in silence?

It's unfair isn't it?

He did all this shit.. yet he still has happiness.

While I.. I'm left trying to piece back my heart.

All the plans I have for us.. I'm still holding them to me. I'm slowly letting them slip off my fingers, I need them to be all thrown away.

All the dreams I let go for him, I'm scrambling to build them back.

I guess, it's not my time to be happy yet.